Conflict Is Cool

06.28.08 | Comments Off

Having experienced more than my fair share of conflict over the years, from street fighting to more sophisticated law cases, I have become an avid student of the subject of Conflict Resolution. My bookshelves are full of literature on the topic and the public library is thinking of charging me for overuse.

When I feel challenged through being in disagreement with someone I care about, I get comfort by remembering an appropriate little cliché that I picked up some years ago. It goes something like “If two people were in 100% agreement on everything, one of them would be superfluous.”

By accepting this, I give myself permission to get involved in the conflict fully, knowing that there is a lesson to be learned.

Regardless of the number of pages in a book, and many of them are well padded, they mostly seem to recommend a procedure such as the following:-

1. Nullify emotion

2. Explore the reasons for the conflict

3. Consider alternatives

4. Agree on most appropriate

5. Implement the chosen one

6. Evaluate the solution.

I intend to go through each step in detail, but before doing so I believe that there are several pre-requisites or ground rules that need to be agreed to by both parties before the process can even begin. The proposition that “All’s fair in Love and War” seems to me like an open ticket to abuse.

Rule 1: Respect:

Both parties may well loathe the sight of each other, but if they choose to address the conflict, they must agree to acknowledge that

(i) NEITHER of them are PERFECT and

(ii) each will have their own set idiosyncracies

TO WHICH EACH IS ENTITLED.

Rule 2: Commitment:

If the conflict is serious enough to warrant resolution, it is essential that full commitment be given to a mutually satisfying outcome.

Rule 3: Mission statement:

In a business where there exists a formal Mission Statement, this can be of great use in deciding the relevance or importance of each party’s assertions. If the relationship is informal, i.e. outside business, then actually defining a mission statement can work wonders too. This doesn’t need to be formal document signed in blood, but the greater clarity each party has on the other’s needs and wishes, the more likely is it that the relationship will flourish.

Rule 4. Preparedness to listen:

The old story about two ears and one mouth is absolutely true - how many times have you heard someone being denigrated because they “listen too much”. For resolution to be successful both sides must feel validated, that they have truly got their whole story across.

There are many barriers to listening but probably the most common is the tendency for us to “switch off” before the other party has finished. Usually it is because we “know what they’re going to say” and devote our attention to formulating our reply. The result of this is that the “listener” really only gets part of the story and the “speaker” is left feeling invalidated and frustrated. In an effort to be heard voice levels are raised, and the whole transaction deteriorates to the lowest level of disrespect.

There are quite a few other barriers to listening, and to go into these in detail would easily fill this whole publication. For the purpose of this article I would only suggest that “Poor Listening Skills” is an affliction that affects most of us. It is my view that just by consciously working to improve our own ability to listen would reduce the need for formal resolution greatly.

Having established our own Marquis of Queensbury rules, we can now get back to the proposed system. The first step of nullifying emotion is much easier said than done. It is a highly contentious issue, which we shall explore in some depth

Step 1 Nullify emotion

Unfortunately, the first step of the procedure is more easily said than done. What do we do when, at an intellectual level, we know that we should argue our case in a calm, logical manner, but what we really want to do is to reach out and choke the living daylights out of our opponent? Alternatively, we may just feel like bursting into tears at the sheer unfairness of it all.

But in today’s society we have learned that neither of these responses is acceptable. And if we should happen to give way to our impulses, we are considered unstable or just plain weird. So we bottle it up, count to ten, breathe deeply, and tell ourselves that we are being too emotional.

At least that’s what “civilised” people do. But which of these two types of behaviour is more honest? If we feel angry or upset, isn’t’ that our TRUTH? And by denying these emotions aren’t we being untruthful? I suggest that that is exactly the case. We have become so used to denying our feelings that many of us simply don’t know who we are. The word DENIAL is an interesting acronym for Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying.

So am I suggesting that when things don’t go our way that we just give vent to whatever our emotion is at that time? And never mind who gets in the way? Absolutely not! What I am proposing is that we can OWN our feelings, without harming anyone else.

Nowadays it is commonly accepted that feelings which have been repressed or ignored do not just simply go away. They lie beneath the surface of our awareness waiting their opportunity to see daylight. The problem is that keeping them suppressed is like holding a beach ball under water. The effort that we spend holding it down drains us of energy that we could use in other ways. We may successfully keep them in check throughout our youth, but by middle years this can really take it’s toll.
So what do yesterday’s feelings have to do with conflict in the present? Well, when we find ourselves involved in a disagreement and emotions starting to rise, maybe the problem lies not in what is going on at the moment; maybe it’s our “History Buttons” being pushed.

The term stress has at last been given some respectability, but here again we tend to blame factors outside ourselves. My boss is always this; my wife is forever that. If we can find a reason for the problem externally, it keeps us from looking at the real issues. When we perceive the other party as “making us angry”, then obviously we will respond defensively. So how can we tell whether our discomfort is caused by the current situation or something from the past being triggered? One of the really big clues comes when we can recognize a pattern. How many times have you been left with a feeling of déj vu? Life has a way of re-creating difficult situations in order to give us the chance to learn.

This “Blame-The-Other-Guy” culture has prevailed so far because we haven’t had the level of self-awareness necessary to help us learn personal responsibility. But it isn’t just science and technology that are evolving. Nowadays there are many tools and methodologies to help us learn how to behave reflectively.

So, when involved in conflict, instead of just breathing deeply and waiting for the feeling to pass, we can actually use the opportunity to reflect. While counting up to 10 (or 100 if that’s what it takes), we can try to think back to past occasions when we felt the same way. This is not an easy task for anyone, but if conflicting parties can both adopt this philosophy, not only will they open the way for a win-win outcome, but also the relationship itself is also likely to benefit.

I think most people would agree that the term “nullify emotion” is much easier said than done. Nevertheless, we can at least see by now how to make use of our emotions as they get triggered during conflict. In summary, if we recognise through awareness that our feeling (in the moment) is out of proportion to what the situation itself demands, then our history buttons are being pushed.

Step 2 Explore the reasons for the conflict

Once again, this may not be as easy as it seems. What may start off as a disagreement over whether the lid should be left up or down can often be merely a symptom of a much deeper problem. In long-term relationships, where the number of petty disagreements seems to have multiplied, then it is almost certain that there are deeper issues involved. Unless both parties have extremely high self awareness and a pre-agreed arrangement to “Put the Relationship before Self” then 3rd party mediation may be necessary.

In less intense transactions, such as occur at work or in business, the disagreement may be just what it seems.

I love the story about the two teenage sisters fighting for the only orange in the house. Each was absolutely certain that her need was greater than her sibling’s. It was only when good old Mum stepped in to mediate that a win-win solution was found. After a brainstorming session it was discovered that one girl wanted some fresh orange juice and the other wanted to bake an orange cake, requiring only the rind.

So during this investigation stage the objective is to amass as much relevant, and perhaps seemingly irrelevant, information as possible. If both parties are committed to the process, they may spur each other on to be as creative as possible.

Step 3 Consider alternative courses of action

With any luck, some of the hostility and intensity will have evaporated by this stage, and an element of cooperation may have found its way in to the process. Rather than having only two completely polarized possibilities, on offer at the moment is a whole smorgasbord of opportunities.
From this list of possible solutions, each item can be prioritized in accordance to its likelihood of solving the problem.

Step 4 Agree on the most appropriate course of action

When the most appropriate course of action may not be immediately obvious, there is a useful exercise that can be carried out that will almost guarantee a solution. It is very simple to try, and is also a great indicator of how committed each party is to the greater good.

The exercise involves each party acting as lawyer for the opponent. Party 1 uses as much logic, imagination and creativity to ensure that Party 2’s point of view is fully represented. Party 2 then reciprocates on behalf of Party 1. While there are no guarantees in life, this is one of the most effective tools I have ever seen used.

Step 5 Implement and Monitor

This final step is virtually self-explanatory. Once the most appropriate course of action has been chosen, it is just a matter of implementing it. If part of the resolution involves behaviour changes, then monitoring is essential. The more ingrained the conflict, the longer time may be needed to reinforce the different actions that have been agreed upon. If on the other hand, either party has gained sufficient insight for them to realise that their behaviour has been inappropriate, they may easily make the choice to consciously ‘do it differently’.

Summary

This effort to condense a topic such as this to less than 2000 words has been very ambitious. If any two people thought and behaved in exactly the same way, then one of them would be superfluous. It is our diversity that helps make the world such an interesting place. And if we can implement some of the ideas that I have been espousing here, such as listening with respect, then perhaps we can help make life a little more harmonious.

About the author:

I am a certified trainer and experienced life coach. My wife & I have been together for 32 years, and we are the proud parents of two magnificent children. My career included 18 years as an electronics technician and 5 as a computer programmer, (back in the bad old days of COBOL). While these occupations provided lots of intellectual stimuli, I somehow never really achieved much real, meaningful satisfaction. About 18 years ago I discovered the pleasures, and sometimes pain, that the journey of Self-Discovery can bring.

As a Coach I specialise in helping people who experience difficulties developing or maintaining long-term relationships, or those seeking to find greater satisfaction in their careers. If you are serious about making changes in your life, please get in touch.

Email: tom.shaw@gettingrealseminars.com
Website: http://gettingrealseminars.com

“…you are what you CHOOSE to become.”

The ‘Low-Down’ on Team Development, Part I

06.01.08 | Comments Off

In recent years in the business-world there has been a lot written and said about team development. Unfortunately, most of the people doing the majority of talking lack the psychological background to accurately describe the conditions under which people choose to become a true team.

In a large retail store it can be a challenge to build an environment where all or most of the employees feel they are part of a store team. It’s more common to find individual departments that act as a team, rather than the entire store. That’s because as a general rule it’s easier to build a relatively small team of up to a dozen team members than it is a team with a hundred or more members.

The developmental process of a group of people evolving into a cohesive interdependent team that can direct itself to solve organizational problems rarely happens spontaneously. A true team does not happen by chance or accident, but requires planning, an understanding of group dynamics, and most of all effective team leadership. Most people in business today confuse ineffective groups, committees and other adverse groupings as a true team. An adverse grouping is a situation where people come together, either by accident or on purpose, but function in some way other than a true team. Once a person has been a member of a true interdependent team, that experience isn’t soon forgotten. And that experience can sour the person in the future to serve on ineffective groups, and committees, because the person now know what it feels like to be a member of a real team. An interdependent team is a highly unusual and unique interpersonal experience; there is probably no other parallel in all of human experience.

The process of team development is neither complicated, nor impossible. Many new and previously inexperienced team leaders are able to build a team with proper training and coaching. Being successful as a team leader requires only a minimal knowledge of the process, but it does demand a willingness to try new techniques and methods. For most new team leaders it means stretching beyond what may feel natural or even comfortable. Whether you are experienced or inexperienced, old or young, it is possible for you to become an effective team leader.

Before we learn what an interdependent team is, let’s first understand what it isn’t. There are four typical negative or adverse reactions to the grouping of people in interpersonal relationships. This is true in both personal and professional relationships. These adverse reactions are observable in behavioral terms and for simple clarification are called: mob, gang, committee and group.

Mob. Individualistic or selfish thinking can identify mob behavior. People displaying mob behavior are tactical in that they think only for the moment and have virtually no strategic or long-term planning. In mob behavior there is no leadership, which creates mob disorganization. When we think of street mobs, the first thing that comes to mind is violence, but actually violence is the product or outgrowth of disorganization, which happens because there is no effective leadership.

Gang. Although gang behavior sounds similar to mob behavior, it differs in almost every aspect. Strong autocratic leadership along with a hierarchical system of management characterizes gang behavior. Gang members are highly territorial and defensive, thus creating aggression in defending their perceived territory. In business, gang behavior frequently includes empire building where gang members attempt to exclude “outside” resources by becoming totally self-reliant or self-sufficient.

Committee (Task Force). In business, committees are usually thought of in positive terms. Actually, compared to interdependent teams, committees are inefficient and ineffective. Due to the lack of team cohesion and identity, traditional committees frequently have problems focusing on their purpose until they satisfy a strong need for organization, defining procedures, establishing policies, and having a controlled leadership. Some committees invest most of their available time in these areas. This results in a lengthy process that is cumbersome and oftentimes fails to achieve superior results.

Group. A “group” consists of people in a setting that lacks purpose, leadership, communication, and obviously results. The best examples of groups are the people in an elevator or doctor’s office. They are there, but have superficial communication at best. In fact, if someone breaks the rules of groups by attempting to lead or force communication, other members of the group become uncomfortable and unwilling to cooperate. If you doubt this, try asking someone in an elevator to join you in singing a song. The person will likely repel at your comment, because it’s not acceptable group behavior.

If you are a student of human behavior you can probably see examples of these four types of adverse reactions to human interaction in almost every aspect of life. When one department in a store demonstrates gang behavior toward another department, it can result in a very unhealthy situation. There may be a sign placed on a backroom door that says, “Research and Development Personnel Only.” This would be characteristic of people defining their territory demonstrating gang behavior. Obviously, any of the four adverse reactions can be counter-productive to smooth store operations.

Next month we’ll look at the process a leader takes to build a group of people into an interdependent team. We’ll see, for example, the benefits of team cohesion and team identity. Until then, keep your eyes on the teams in your workplace and see how many of them might be mobs, gangs, committees, or groups.

If you would like more information on Team Development, please contact one of our team members at (888)262-2499. You can also visit our website to learn more about our products, services, and the multinational organizations we have served over the past three decades. Reference this article to receive a 50% discount on any of our books or 15% off your first scheduled training event.

Dr. Richard L. Williams is a retail consultant specializing in team development, performance coaching, leadership development and organizational development.

Due to outstanding scholarship while a doctoral candidate at Oxford University, Dr. Williams was honored with Knighthood. His formal title is, therefore, “Sir Doctor Williams.”

To Reach Your Potential, Think In Terms Of Improvement

04.17.08 | Comments Off

Based on John Maxwell’s The Success Journey. Here are 10 Principles to becoming a dedicated self- developer. I’ll be reflecting on this as I take a break this week.

1. Chose a Life of Growth — When you sincerely dedicate yourself to continual growth, you keep moving forward. As soon as you think you can coast or rest or just maintain what you have already achieved, that is when you start sliding backwards.

2. Growing Today — Procrastination is the death of ambition and dreams. Someday is not a day of the week. Growth is not automatic. Growth today will provide a better tomorrow. Growth is your responsibility - if you don’t take that responsibility, growth will never happen.

3. Be Teachable — “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts”. John Wooden, former UCLA basketball coach said this. He recognized that the greatest obstacle to growth isn’t ignorance, it is knowledge. When we think we know it all, we become unteachable and can no longer grow or improve.

4. Focus on Self-Development, Not Self-Fulfillment — Self-fulfillment is about feeling good. With self- development, feeling good is a byproduct, not a goal. Self-development is a higher calling, it’s the development of your potential so that you can attain the purpose for which you were created.

5. Never Stay Satisfied with Current Accomplishments — Thinking that you have arrived when you accomplish a goal has the same effect as believing you know it all. It takes away your desire to learn. Successful people know that wins and losses are both temporary. So no matter how successful you are today, don’t get complacent. Stay hungry. Don’t settle into the Comfort Zone. From success, move on to greater growth.

6. Be a Continual Learner — To keep moving, become a perpetual learner. You’ll have to carve out time for it. As Henry Ford said, “It’s been my observation that most successful people get ahead during the time other people waste.” Learning something every day is the essence of being a continual learner.

7. Concentrate on a Few Major Themes — Give your time and energy only to the themes at the heart of your life. Keep your focus narrow. Where you focus your attention will depend on your purpose, how you wish to help others and what it means for you to reach your potential.

8. Develop a Plan for Growth — The key to this life is developing a plan: Plan your work and work your plan. Earl Nightingale says “If a person will spend one hour a day on the same subject for five years, that person will be an expert on that subject.” How you go about it does not matter, but do it daily.

9. Pay the Price — Growth requires discipline. It takes time away from leisure pursuits. It costs money for materials. There’s constant change and risks. And it can be lonely. But growth is always worth the price you pay because the alternative is a life of unfulfilled potential. President Theodore Roosevelt stated: “There has not yet been a person in our history who led a life of ease whose name is worth remembering.”

10. Find a Way to Apply What You Learn — In some way apply what you learn every day to turn it into a habit instead of a wish. Do this for 21 days and the habit is yours. As you accumulate growth this way, you never stagnate or backslide.

Kerri Salls, MBA runs a virtual business school to train, consult and coach small business CEO’s and entrepreneurs in 10 key strategies to make more profit in less time. Learn more at www.breakthrough-business-school.com/products.html or sign up for a free weekly newsletter at www.breakthrough-business-school.com/newsletter.shtml